Monday, August 6, 2012

Things just add up, and actually leave me broken.

It has been a while since the last time I wrote things here. Its not that I'm busy or anything but I've been trying to move on with my life actually, really. 

It has also been a while since I wrote a post with tears over my cheeks.

Do you know how tiring it can be when you feel that your existence is actually meaningless? I've been trying to move over these feelings for years. I've tried to commit suicide once, and I don't think that I'll ever do that again. I have more faith in my religion now than I have before. But, I just had to admit that this built up feeling just seems to become worse. For 20 years, I've been living with a wall between me and others. I had survived that way. To be precise, that is the only way for me to survive after having had to go through childhood that is worst than nightmare, being beaten to a pulp, having had to see your own blood drops from your head, and still being alive with all the blame on your shoulder. Yes, I am broken that way without even having the slightest feeling of compassion towards others.

As I reach 19-years of my life, I've became more desperate into solving this one problem of mine. I was lucky to have met the only one person who is actually able to climb and stay in my side of the wall. He knows me for who I am, accept me for who I was, what I did, and guide me on who I should become. The first thing he taught me at that time is to crack a hole on the wall and see the things that I've missed for 20 years of my life.

I believe in him.

So I decided to crack a hole and see for myself. At first I thought it was amazing but I think I've had enough. As true as I am able to see others, they are also able to see me. People will never change and they will just add on the pain that I've tried so hard to overcome. I've had enough of being labelled, suppressed and blame. And to think of it, by people who actually should be called as 'family'.  I respect them for who they are, where they stand but I don't think I'll ever be able to break the wall or even create a larger hole on it. In fact, I will patch it up. I think its enough for me to stay on my side of the wall with him, without ever having the slightest intention of stepping out of the shadow.

I wonder if there will ever be a sun in which will shine on this side of the wall? 

 p/s: Opening up your heart to others can actually make it bleed you know?